Recently I learned about Pantanjali’s definition of yoga “Yoga is the cessation of fluctuation of the mind”. I’ve also been reflecting on how we need experience, not theory to truly understand and make progress towards truth and wisdom. So yesterday, my practice was to let my awareness be a mirror. I let everything come and go within me like a wave. My awareness only illuminated. It didn’t interfere.
It was a useful practice. I felt turbulent thoughts and feelings within me approach and crash against the shore, only to dissipate. I experienced the fluctuations of the mind calming. It was something I got excited about.
At night, I woke up and my mind started racing. I had passionate thoughts that interrupted my sleep and created tension in my body. My awareness practice seemed fail. I began questioning my practice and where I might have gone wrong.
The hardest parts of life are not the hard moments we prepare for. It’s the unexpected moments that break our world views. Today I wake up a little confused, A little tired. I feel unsure again. That’s why I need self compassion. A part of me still pines for something different. Parts of me are jealous. I am where I am and I honor that..
I know I can trust my intuition. My intuition says “I don’t think that’s the way.” It isn’t that I haven’t learned anything. I still have a wealth of lived experiences. Everytime my world view or ideas break. I learn something. I have learned self compassion and love for others. I have learned to not criticize. I have learned that my vision isn’t complete. It’s okay to explore. I have learned not to blame myself. There is no harsh, punishing God above. Love and awareness seem to be the way to illuminate the true nature of things.
When we say “I made a mistake’ did we really? It seems like we are all trying our best. Criticizing myself only build more self-hate and fear.
Do things out of love, not fear. Do things out of love for oneself.
Experience is a better teacher than theory.
I write on, I experience, I try, I love.
I remain questioning and curious.