After attending a Coda meeting yesterday, I realize I have been rather harsh with myself and others. For those of you that don’t know, Coda is Codependents Anonymous, a group that follows the same 12 step program and structure as Alcoholics Anonymous and other addiction programs. It has been liberating to listen to other people’s stories about struggling with codependencies within their relationships and it feels liberating to share my own stories.
The theme of the meeting yesterday was patience. Hearing other people speak made me notice that my voice towards myself recently has been authoritative. I’ve been telling myself to embrace suffering, to actively put myself in situations of pain. I remind myself how suffering is good. Then, I notice that same voice critisizing other people when they do not meet my standards or if I feel threatened by them. Then it goes back to critisizing myself again, chastising myself for not being enough in my eyes and other people’s eyes. This self-talk and impatience creates conflict and rifts within myself and at the end of the day I feel drained of energy and self-esteem.
It made me wonder.. What if I don’t judge myself or others? What if I give up my expectations and notions of how people are supposed to be like? I wouldn’t have any expectation of what is “the right” way to be and I wouldn’t critisize my progress of lack there of on a daily basis. What if I just let myself be and other people be? Wouldn’t it be a freer existence? Wouldn’t I be able to be myself in all spheres: all parts of me exploring, moving around without clashing? Would I be free from judging the way other people live their lives? Would I be free from trying to change them? If I maintain a non-judgemental attitude, I accept the worst in others as phenomena. This in turn lets me accept the worst in me as phenomena. There are no labels. There just is.
Perhaps this is the truest form of love. For ourselves and others. By letting go of our disgust of our own behavior or other people’s behavior, we erase the friction between our expectations and reality. We let our inner voices speak and act in their raw forms. They can breathe, move, and jump with no pressure. It is a gentle and deep way of loving. It is an all encompassing love that stays with us through thick and thin. It erases the conflict inherent in our minds.
Can this be the key to truly loving ourselves and others?