Nobody is a saint. I’ve deified at times my partners and my partners have deified me. Im in a relationship where that doesn’t happen now. Truth be told, it feels boring, but maybe it is the healthiest.
I’ve realized that my nature is very impulsive or rushed. If something isn’t going right. I feel like I have to try another way right away. I justify it be saying that I am working hard, but I think I’m just not able to sit with waiting or feeling uncomfortable. All my efforts need to be heroic. Being with myself, without distractions, fantasies, or business is terrifying. That is why Imust be doing something always.
My logic is flawed, my perception is not perfect. I wrongly think I’m the smartest person in the room. That is why I ask for guidance from God. What should my next step be? Or shall I just sit and wait?
Today is a beautiful rainy day. This is a conversation I had with myself:
How do I calm an anxious child? Because I have one inside me.
Be with him. Feel his feelings. You are as much a part of him as he is a part of you.
(For context, I have a vocal injury and am a musician) Let’s just take a week off of singing. Can you do that?
It seems excruciatingly painful and I want to distract myself with other things.
I know. It’s because you are using music and singing as an escape from getting to know your actual feelings.
I want to use God to cover it all up too. It’s so raw and unbearable.
I know ,but stay with it.
I’d rather humilliate myself.. anything.. so that I can avoid feeling this.
What is so terrible about it?
It’s uncomfortable and I lose orientation.To be with all my feelings, my loss, my grief.. I want to go get another book. I need hope. (I’ve been reading self-help books)
I know, I know, it’s very uncomfortable. We cannot escape it though, we must face it.
I want a fool proof plan then.
I’m sorry, there is none.
If you can control your impulses, you are powerful. You can choose to say the things you want to say in the way that you want to say them. You can choose to confront your demons. You can choose to be free.
Do you remember when you last had a calm mind? When you could watch the water droplets streak down the window on a rainy day?
I’m not sure, maybe high school or before that… I can feel my nervous system running on overdrive, doing something as simple as watching water droplets. Part of me wants to grab my phone, grab my guitar.
I really need this retreat for myself. Singing/music was an addiction too. Taking me away from facing my pursuer. I see that my pursuer is me as a small child. A scared and sensitive boy who needs protection.
I want to learn about you my dear boy and take care of you. God is subtly guiding us in the right direction. Though sometimes we need disaster to learn.