Only now am I realizing my true feelings about things. I am starting to be aware of the shame, fear, loneliness, insecurity that I feel. I realize that I try to cover up these feelings by pushing myself harder, distracting myself, numbing it with work, binging on food or tv, or staying busy. I did not know to just feel the feelings and acknowledge them. I was trying my best with what I knew from a family that constantly avoided their feelings and misled themselves and other people about them. They were also trying the best with what they knew.
My journey is this one. It is to realize that I am not so in control. I try to bend my emotions and the world around me to fit how I want things to be, but I have only been battling myself. I was perverting, stretching, diminishing my true self. I could not let myself be or grow into it was meant to be. Honestly I am still unsure how I really am and where this journey of self-discovery will lead me.
I also dont know about the word brave anymore. I used to always push myself to do things that I thought were brave, but I was only running from my fear. And now I realize that facing my emotions brings me a more true and connected experience and I cannot say that is brave either. It is just realization.