Today I want to talk about one of the biggest challenges that I have yet to overcome: my trauma and triggers. My writing and music is a nexus between philosophy, psychology, and spirituality, because it’s what I believe is at the heart of the human condition. I’ve needed each sphere to navigate and make sense of life. I’ve been writing more on philosophy and spirituality recently, but I realized yesterday that I’m defeated in one blow by the adversaries I face in my psyche. So today I shine light on the pyschological.
There comes a point in time when I’m tired of living in the same cycles of suffering. The buddha called it, Samsara. I want to work on the parts of me that I don’t want to work on. My triggers are one of the things that I don’t want to work on because I believe sometimes that they are part and parcel of my soul. If I don’t address triggers, I fail to see the wounds deep inside me. Triggers are not philosophical or spiritual. They need another type of healing. They are a fear-based reaction ingrained in our nervous systems.
I see triggers as existential crises for traumatized members of our psyche. Parts of us literally think their existence is in danger if we do not react. We cannot push these parts away because they only get more desperate and strong. The only way to combat triggers in the moment is to make way for the feeling. I find that the underlying feeling is usually fear. As I’ve had more experience with my triggers, I understand that a trigger is made up of the fear, thought, and sometimes reaction (if I’m not quick enough to catch the feeling and thought, reaction inevitably happens). It helps me to be aware and when I see that I’m triggered I juxtapose the fear and thought with reality to see if it corresponds. That is the best I can do in the moment. I can process my feelings and thoughts afterwards in a controlled environment through journaling or meditation.
It helps to understand the anatomy of a trigger so I can be realistic about how to handle it. Sometimes I confuse being triggered as staying in the present moment. Triggers masquerade as the present, but upon closer observation their origin is elsewhere. They are hooks that pull us back into past trauma. When I’m triggered, I’m no longer here. I’m back in that moment when I was hurt or fighting for survival. Knowing this helps us accept what is going on. There is no need for judgement, it is our bodies and minds defending themselves against a perceived threat.
Can we bring presence to a triggering event? It helps me to ask, “Is this the reality of the situation?” If we start questioning our assumptions and reactions, we uncover actuality. We start to see that our reactions overstep the truth of the situation.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a researcher on trauma said “Trauma is not the external event itself, but rather the internal wound that remains. This raw internal place reacts strongly even to gentle contact. Seemingly small events can trigger significant reactions because the underlying hurt persists.” Since the basis of our triggers is our trauma. How can we heal the wounds that Dr. Maté mentions?
I’ve tried to relax the nervous system through vagus nerve exercises like deep diaphragmactic breathing and mindfulness meditation or yoga. These can be helpful for maintaining everyday homeostasis. But can we do more? Can we reset our nervous systems? With compassion and understanding as the foundation, we can be present with the trauma. Once I am present, I can see the version of myself trapped in fear. I see the love and care that he needs and I soothe him with gentle self talk. Then, recognizing the deleterious effects of fear, I consciously choose to be motivated by another emotion namely joy, curiosity, appreciation or love. I become my own master again. I’m still a novice at this, so I hope to improve with more practice and learning.
I always learn best by experimenting in the moment. The real deal doesn’t come on paper or in the mind. It happens in real life.
Notice how fear shapes your internal and external world. Does fear close and obscure? Is it a good platform of finding truth, balance and understanding? Does it provide inner peace?
Now notice how love, appreciation and curiosity shape you. Do they open or close you up? Do they allow you to rest in them? Are they healing or destructive forces?
You choose which you want to be motivated by. With awareness of how fear and love shape my world, I can now ask myself when I’m triggered or stressed what my motivation is before acting. Am I motivated by fear or love? If it is fear, I opt for love. Fear creates stress and closes doors. Love creates courage and connection.
Here are some example of my triggers.
One is social approval. If I or people in my circle receive criticisms, my fear of social rejection takes it as a personal attack on my person. Or even if someone is being neutral, a part of my nervous system takes that as an offence. When I begin to be honest, I see how high strung I actually am. Do I have any reason to fear what people think though? No, it has no import on my life. My safety and wellbeing do not depend on the opinion of one person or a group of people. If someone does not like me, is that an existential threat? No. It is their opinion. It should not decrease my perceived value of myself nor my love for myself.
I’m also triggered by money. I feel scarcity when I spend money and it grabs hold of my logical process. That is why part of me also detests money because it has such a strong emotional trigger for me. I begin to see capitalism and money as evil. I think it helps to look at money as it is. Capitalism is what it is too, an imperfect system. It’s unemotional. It’s not trying to deceive you unless you allow it to control you. And am I actuallly in danger of not having enough? No, I have enough for now. I cannot control the future nor do I want to let my fear convert me into a miser that lives in constant fear of the future.
Once the fear is resolved, anxiety dissipates and we can be our true and best selves.
When confronted with a strong emotional reaction I ask myself “am I doing this out of fear? Is fear driving my life choices and everyday direction? I want to live not out of fear, but out of curiosity, joy, and love.
I’ve also witnessed myself slip into the pitfall of escaping one fear by falling into another. Perhaps I’m afraid of doing an activity, I use another fear, a greater fear like the fear of not living my life to the fullest to motivate myself to do said activity. It may seem like a fulfilling way to use fear, but the fear only grows and it manifests as impatience and resentment in other areas.
I urge myself to go towards the difficult. That is where the greatest lessons lie. I want to purge myself in the fire and see how I am remade. My mind, thoughts, and observation of experiences are limited. So I’d love to hear feedback if you have other ideas or experiences that can provide a more comprehensive view on trauma.
Tomorrow I’d like to explore more on fear and it’s role in our lives, but for today my mental faculties are exhausted.