After another series of sleepless nights, I had a realization. To give some context, I have been trying so hard to improve my sleep quality and have tested out every habit and scientifically proven method to improve sleep. But after another frustrating night of failure, I finally understood something.
I see that I am far less in control of my life than I realize. The only thing I can really do is stay present. I cannot control my sleep, emotions, and body despite my best efforts. I think we can all relate that we try so dang hard. A force much greater than us is already there though, driving the progression of things. Perhaps we can call it the Dao like Lao Ze. The only thing I can do is to give up control and be open to the way things are. Accept the way of the world with loving awareness. I don’t need to set hard, inflexible goals, present myself in a different way (fake it till I make it), or force myself to do anything. I need only stay with me. I may not be able to influence the natural order of the universe, but I can honor and love myself by acknowledging what is and allow myself to be. How humbling of an experience… I did not realize that I had so little control. Stop fighting, stop trying and just live the moment. It’s a big blow to my ego who does not want to die a peacful death. He clamors for attention and thinks the control will make him invincible. But seems like it is all illusion.
I see my repeated cycles of trying hard and forcing myself to be different and how they tear me away from my true nature. I kept trying and. trying. Pushing and pushing myself. Can you see that it never gave you healing? It just seperated you from yourself and created conflict between mind and body. I’m not going to try anymore. I thank the universe for the reminder to my ego that I am not in control. The only thing in your power is to be here now.
It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders to not constantly try to control and shape the world around me. Because in that mindset, I am always rushed, always pushing for more, never content or in the moment. I am here to live acording to God’s will. I live according to the Dao, the inheret force that propels all things in life. Perhaps we will all be happier if we live according to our own Dao (natural road). Pay no mind to other people’s Dao. We cannot control or influence it. There’s no point in rushing because that is another way of forcing things to happen.
This realization also makes me love others more and have more compassion. It highlights the mercuriality of everything in our lives which heightens appreciation. Things come, stay, and go as they please. None of us are in much control, but we all could do with a bit more love and kindness.
Our inherent helplessness opens the door to be present to what life has to offer, accept help from others, be less hard on ourselves, truly be ourselves, appreciate things all the more, and accept our own needs for love and affection. It liberates us through loving awareness.
May you be happy, may you be free.